Dear World,

Let's have hate sex.

Quick, before the hate wears off.

Love,
うずまきナルト

To sum things up, life sucks and everyone hates me. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Everyone in my own gang hates me. Oh, and Sasuke's. But other than that, I'm beloved the motherfucking world over. Can't even touch this. Thank God there's symbolic animals that always come back through the window to try and keep me company. Who the fuck says you can't buy love? Birdseed's barely 600円, you idiot, and that's all it takes.

And here I thought you were good at figuring out symbolism, Hyuuga.

If I didn't tell anyone (most of you know already because I'm just that motherfucking popular) my air conditioning is broken and it's hot. Being the highest form of life that there could ever be does not, apparently, make me immune to heat stroke. If I really faint, I'm going to seriously start questioning my gender.

So, apart from the fact that I got the numbers back from a certain somewhere, and a certain someone hasn't been filling their quota (you know who you are), everything for April matches up. I think Baa-chan's going to have me working off those snakes for a lifetime, but I guess two months isn't really enough to measure how mad she is was ...is? may or may not still be. But fuck, it was worth it. Sakura, you should come over and make sure I haven't done any of this math wrong among other things. I got something from a friend overseas that I'm dying to try out. We can trade off.

In other news, I'm pretty seriously worried about Tenten. Anybody seen or heard anything out of her in the past few weeks? I mean, if she was just avoiding me that'd be fine because I mean, hell, I can fix that but it sounds like she's been avoiding everyone. I'm cool with you antisocialites, don't get me wrong, but I just don't expect it from Ten-chan, you know? Should I be more worried than I have been? Like "contact the authorities" type worried? There's a whole squadron of you people who've been out of my sight for some time now, too. Yeah, here's lookin' at you, Shika. (Lee, I know you're busy, I won't bitch because we're really not all too bad off at the moment.)

I better not find out you three have been skulking around doing shit, though. 'Specially if it's in our name and I haven't heard about it yet. You clear this shit, you guys. No private excavations. Ecchi and Baa-chan have been on my ass about that for reasons I'm not yet licensed to talk about.

By which I mean: Neji, I may or may not need to talk to you. We could avoid aforementioned conversation altogether if you were to beat me to the punch and know what it was about. I'd really rather never, ever have the conversation that my instincts tell me we should probably have, just because I really don't want to interfere with anything you do to that extent. I really don't. So beat me to the goddamn punch and put me out of my misery, won't you? And, uh, if you can, avoid talking to your uncle until I say otherwise. It should only be a few days, tops, but I really need you to either not talk to him or talk to him as little as humanly possible if that differs from your regular itenerary at all.

I'd say it was nothing personal if I were even going to go into that.

I'm not.

Gaara, I need to talk to you, too, for a completely different reason that I'm not at ends to discuss in a public forum, either. They always get me in shit like this, I swear. Nothing bad I don't think but necessary enough. (I need to ask you a favor. ...and your always welcome in my house, too, you know.)

So things are either slowly getting better or quickly getting worse, and I'm optimistic enough to hope it might be the former, but paranoid enough to be sure it's the latter. It's a weird bunching sensation. I don't know. I feel like I'm hanging from a bungee cord, which is fine and all, but I'm not exactly sure how I got here, so it's kind of bothering me. When did I turn into a therapist, and why didn't I notice or demand a credential when it happened? And if I'm the patient and nobody's telling me, I'll fuck up somebody's shit. Swear to God.

Maybe I'm just waiting for everything to blow up.

Is that bad?

Doesn't my awesome just make you want to wet yourself?

Don't.

I'm just clarifying. ♥

Poker Night's tomorrow, as of now. Before you escape, Neji. ♥ You've gotta get a taste of Poker Night. You'll be happy you did. Lee, you and me can go shopping beforehand; I think I know exactly where we can go to get those oranges. ♥ Tenten, I assume you'll be helping us cook? I know the kitchen's small, but it's always fun to all be in there together.

I know what I'll be betting, you two.

I can't wait to hear what you will be. ♥

OH WHOEVER COULD THAT BE. Favorite person, baby. Never forget it. Ten-chan, I stole Bi-chan back so that I could download off her what you'd gotten so far. I think we have enough for a mini-documentary, honestly. Nothing spectacular, but more than enough to dazzle the audience of virtually any video-upload site on the internet. (You're my girl, you know you are. And I'm not sending anybody. Because you asked me not to and I trust you. Don't do anything...well. Yeah. I won't do my mother-hen piece. Either way, I sort of forgot why I bought Bi-chan in the first place.

And the picture above? Oh did it help me remember. ♥

DAY 1: Twice. This isn't looking good.

We amaze me.

We motherfucking amaze me. Sleep. You, me, now, until four in the afternoon.

And then we can think about all those repercussions or what not.

God we amaze me.

NEWSFLASH

Nara has just been assigned to work out every morning with you Lee, and you Neji. Enjoy his company. (I'm sure you will. He bitches nearly as much as you do, Hyuuga, only without the wonderful facial expressions to go with.)

Gaara, call your sister before you call me or I've given myself permission to proverbially kick the crap out of you, and you probably know the proverbial way I mean. ♥ (You want to know why, I'll talk to you about it later. I need to know where you've been, I haven't seen you around lately, and it worries me.)

Additionally, due to the somewhat tenuous nature of putting my genitals in harm's way, I'm not going to say too much about the status of Ten-chan's party, except to say that if you treat it like death it will probably be just as unavoidable.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥